I haven’t been outside in a while, or if I have, it hasn’t been for very long and I definitely have not embraced anything. Lots has happened to me in the past few weeks and it’s been really hard to deal with. I will make a list because I like lists.
1) I dropped out of university. Chemistry was not for me. I’m not really sure uni is for me. Then again, half the time I am not really sure being alive is for me so maybe I have no idea where the line is. I tried to be super rational about the whole thing – it was really hard. I feel like I gave a lot of time and energy to my degree this year. But I did not achieve anything and so in that sense, I had nothing to lose. It was really nice once I had decided for sure that I wasn’t going back. I was so stressed that I had a manic period and it was lovely to regain some control.
2) I applied to do psychology next September. I am not sure whether I will get in yet: I applied late and in my opinion, my personal statement wasn’t great. Maybe I will fail this too but at least I am interested in psychology. I want my career to be in psychology and so as far as I am concerned, that’s a pretty good starting point.
3) Something that is bothering me loads is that I feel like I have lost my friends from uni this year, Ciara and Hollie. I am not sure when it comes down to it, it was just for convenience but I really liked them and at times, felt like we were such good friends despite the other times when it felt forced. It was hard because I always felt like I was making excuses when I couldn’t make it in uni, when I didn’t feel up to it, like I was personally offending them and it took its toll on me. After each time, I expand the gap between us until I could not feel it when I wasn’t there. It didn’t affect me any more. I think in the process I lost them as friends.
4.) For a couple of weeks I had a manic episode. I smoked too much, drank too much and generally just did too many things that I shouldn’t have. It sucked and I beat myself up for a while over the lack of control that I had over the situation. That’s all I want to say about that.
5.) I actually have some good news, I think that I have a full time job for over Summer which is awesome. I have to commute but in September Chris and I can go on holiday and that will be AMAZING.
6.) Started a diet, again. This one is called JuicePlus. Capsules and shakes kinda crap. I have actually never done one like this and I have an exercise plan. Guess I will see how it goes and update. It’s a shame that my fat acceptance thing didn’t work, sucks really.
I am pretty sure there are other things but as posts are unlimited, if anything comes to mind, I will write another one.
Kate xxxxx
